demented_fennec

I need a fucking vacation.

A vacation from life.

I'm pretty depressed.. I had a generally good day, I really don't understand why I feel so bad. I had abuse recovery group today again, and we have three new members. Funny, because today was supposed to be lighthearted discussion and questions, but one question dove straight into the core of why the group was formed. A girl answered the question (I think it was "what is the hardest thing you've ever done?"), "I was raped last summer, than I got an abortion." Much more discussion in between, then we all told vague tales of things that have happened to us that put us in the group in the first place. I felt really bad for one of the new girls. Apparently when she was nine, she was raped by her two brothers. Sad. I mean, rape is bad in general, but date rape compared to incest seems less terrifying. I found out quite a bit about Tiffany that made me want to hug her, and a friend of hers was apparently molested by her dad and also date raped. I answered with my date rape, then Becka answered with a shrug of her shoulders. She's only there for stress relief. Which is fine. But yeah. It was a really deep discussion. I felt much more comfortable with the other members afterwards, though the conversation was kind of a downer.

Dan kinda tipped me over into sadness earlier. He came over and I was really happy, we cuddled and talked, went to burger king and had a good time. Then he went home, and I got into a conversation with him about the future.. and this is what came from it:

( Read more... )

The pessimism gets to me. This wasn't terribly pessimistic, but when I'm already brimming with emotion, that kind of disregard for my concerns could tip me over the edge really fast. Well, whatever. Oh well.

I'm fucking bored. I hate not having friends. :/ Outside the computer, anyway. Just Dan and Tiffany, Tiff's mostly busy with her friends Alicia and Jonathan, or her boyfriend Ryan, and I've been replaced for Dan today by Xbox Live. So.. activities today consisted of burning my hangnails off, cutting my nails, blowing out and relighting my candle, counting bumps on the ceiling, channel surfing for five minutes or so, building on Second Life and now this. I feel like I've been sitting here for over ten hours. It's only been two. This sucks.

I don't feel like drawing. I've been doing it all day. I need an activity that doesn't require thinking, because I'm sapped dry after school. I should walk, but I'm really lacking energy, so I dunno. I might walk to Dan's house? But what would be the point. I wouldn't exactly have been invited, and by the time I got there, I would need a ride home because it would be dark and cold. And he lives far enough away that I'd be tired by the end. So all I'd serve to be is a pain in the ass. Muh.

Lately my spare time away and sometimes even with Dan has been consumed by Second Life. I signed up a few days ago with basic membership, and I'm already wishing I had enough money to go premium. So far my avatar has been a Japanese woman in a kimono, an arctic fox, a fire pixie, a female ringtail, a dragon and an inverted white tiger with black feathery wings. I think the most fun part about it is having my own moldable Barbie doll, I think. Dressing lame cloth clothes got boring back in fourth grade, but now I have no limits. I can add just about whatever I want. I also own a submersible plane, the "Tigershark". Right now I'm boarding up with my mentor, Isaac, who has a very large home and understands that on Basic membership anyone would be really poor. I think I have like $50L left. Maybe less. My biggest and stupidest expense went towards a red and gold kimono that didn't work right. $200L x.x; Urgh. Well, I had an interesting experience within my first few days. See, since for a while I was homeless, I really had no place to dress and modify my physique, so I just kinda jumped into some random house that was empty, in an empty or mostly empty district. Well, once, I was trying out some new avatar stuff. I was unclothed upstairs in a house, and for some reason decided to try a hairstyle that made me bald and have a massive unibrow. I thought it looked pretty funny, and decided to also try a new tail that I hadn't seen yet. So I attatched the tail, and before I even realized what the tail was, there was someone standing right near the stairs looking at me. Houseowner's home. Great! So yeah, heh, I teleported as fast as I could out of there. When I was somewhere else and things had loaded back up, I took a good look at my tail, which looked really strange. Then it hit me.. this wasn't a tail. x.x; It was a penis, that someone had called a tail for some stupid reason or another. I had a penis attatched to my butt. I burst out laughing, wondering what on earth the person in the house must have thought. Then I proceeded to delete it and hope to God that person never saw me again.

Anyways, enough of my cyber-adventures. It's way past my bed time. Goodnight.

I finally cropped a new fennec picture. Yey!

Man. I have the worse PMS EVER. OMG. CAPSBLAHBLAH. Yes. Anyways. Though this is really random, I want to share with you the dialogue of my brother's fake movie trailer.

One man...
On a mission to save three men...
Who have been kidnapped by a thousand men...
You know.. There are a lot of men in this movie...
Where are all the chicks?!...
I mean seriously, this is the biggest sausagefest I've ever seen...
So many penises....
Starring Vin Diesel... Arnold Schwarzenegger... Silvester Stallone... and Halle Berry.. JUST KIDDING! There are no chicks!

Imagine that, in very deep movie trailer narrator voice. I don't know why.. but that strikes me as so funny. Earlier I was laughing so hard my lungs were cramping for a half hour afterwards. Sooner or later we'll have a sound clip on the Digital Swordsmen site. I'll notify you when it's there, in case you're interested. Then we're gonna translate it into Spanish! Fiesta chorizo! Donde estan las chicas?!... Mwaha.

So I got a lot for Christmas.. I didn't expect quite as much as I got. So yeah, here's the inventory.

From Dan, I got a bunch of odds and ends which I enjoy quite thoroughly. He got me a fifty-pack of CD-R's, two boxes of incense, a candle lighter, a box of candles, a sketchbook, a new brush, a big pack of mechanical pencils and probably something else that I seem to be forgetting. Oh yeah! A little pack of Almond Joy and a box of chocolate Poky.

From Dan's parents, I got a pack of charcoal pencils, a small sketchbook, a paint-by-number of a tiger swimming, and a pair of some brightly colored cozy socks.

From friends, I got a kitten statuette from Tiffany, which is absolutely the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life, another slightly less adorable statuette from Sable, and Coocher.. gave me a porno DVD. -.-; I think I'm gonna donate it to Movie Gallery or something. However, he does say my real present is coming soon. I wonder what that means x.x;.

From extended family, I got a Blick gift card for $50. Apparently Blick's an art store? I had never heard of it. That's awesome though, cuz I need an X-acto knife and some new pastels. I also got lots of cash, and now my total's about $175. Which is the most money I've had in a long time. I got a little glass heart filled with dried flowers that came from Uncle Steve's funeral from Aunt Sue, which is a very meaningful gift that I was pleased, though very sober about. I also go the book Inkspell, but I haven't read Inkheart yet, so my cousin let me borrow it. My other aunt and uncle gave me a home-made coupon for a night spent at their house and a trip to the bookstore, which is nice, because I didn't expect anything from them. They're not exactly well to do.

Saving the best for last, my parents. I got 75 empty CD-R discs, a wireless PS2 controller, Cabela's Deer Hunter 2005, an incredible wildlife drawing book, a new flatscreen TV, a pair of comfy cotton pajamas and satin, chinese-style pajamas that have replaced the snowflake pair as my favorite. I also got some Versace Red Jeans perfume, that makes me smell pleasantly of creme soda, and more mechanical pencils.

Fun stuff. Apparently my half cousin Aaron has the hobby of making home made alcohol. He makes wine, beer, whatever. I was given the opportunity to try his holiday ale, and it's possible the most wonderful, refreshing drink ever. Second only to mango juice.

So yeah. I'm really tired, I'm going to sleep.

I feel very sad.. I don't quite know why. My mom kinda ruined my already unstable but decent mood today. My dad had tried to give me advice earlier in the day as to how to cut my cloak fabric, but I didn't see how his advice applied, so I did it the way mom told me to cut out my Renaissance dress that I made a couple months back. He had said something about needing to cut it a certain direction, which didn't make sense to me, because the fabric was all the same everywhere. So I cut all the red fabric for my cloak out. Then mom gets home, and apparently dad tells her that I didn't cut it right. This makes her very upset, because she thinks that I did a shitty job of cutting, and that's $150 worth of fabric. She was right to be upset. So she runs out into the living room, where I'm feeling proud of myself because I did a good job without her help. I almost had a "Hey mom, look what I did!" moment, of which I treasure so much because she's extremely hard to impress, but I was immediatly shot down just by the look on her face. She started yelling and picked up the fabric and looked it over, lecturing me about following arrows or something.. I don't know. In the end, she said I did a fine job, it was just a misunderstanding it seemed. But her saying I did okay didn't do me any good at that point.. I'm so tired of being a disappointment. Seriously. No matter what I do.. would they rather I be failing in school? I certainly seemed to get a lot more attention when I was. I guess I'm looking for a "Good job," specifically from mom, but she doesn't see to think so, because she never says it. Ugh. I don't know. I've been in tears on and off since. I thought doing well in school would make her happy. Truthfully, things haven't changed. She's still pissy, hardly any positive reinforcement. She doesn't seem to believe in my goal of becoming a doctor.. great. My throat's all swollen now x.x;.

Way too much shit.. Geology project due at the end of the quarter, book test tomorrow and I've only had time to read half the book, book report due on Wednesday, reproductive system test on wednesday.. I'm not going to be able to relax all weekend. I know there's going to be something that I feel I've forgotten, that needs to be taken care of. I'm becoming neurotic. I can't relax. There's always something that nags at the back of my mind, that I can do nothing about. You know, I had a faint glow of hope for a week or so, when I thought I was still registered with my counselor at NSCC. Apparently not.. mom cancelled way back in June. So I don't get the help when I need it.. and she's not going back apparently. Wonderful. Shit.

I guess the song I'm listening to doesn't help anything.. brings back bad memories of a certain ex boyfriend... Fuck. *clicks off the speakers*

I tried running around Furc, trying to find someone to talk to, or even roleplay with.. but of course not. So that didn't help my mood at all. It's way too fucking cold in my house.. I'm shaking pretty good, even in my warm clothes.

Why does this have to happen every year? I have a mental breakdown just about every year, but normally it happens between February and April. This is all bullshit. BULLSHIT. I wish I were someone else. Or an animal. Something or someone with less baggage and more support.

Come to think of it.. I've been kinda depressed all day. Not so much at school. But today at home.. Dan got a good view of my "mask" personality. I'm giggly, bubbly, and seem happy.. almost too happy. Like.. weird. Yeah. Well. That's how I get when I'm about to snap. And that's what this is. Me snapping. And hopefully I'll calm down in a couple minutes.

Everyone should go make an account on Dan's site ( www.digitalswordsmen.com ). NOW. And come back over and over again, and post regularly in weblogs. There are free roms, if anyone needs them, some music... The profiles are in depth, similar to MySpace, the weblogs have security settings that are better than both LJ and MySpace, and he now has a few sets of mood icons to choose from. Mine is Tails from Sonic :D Fun stuff. <>

Oh man. Mom's making me a cloak for Christmas. We picked out the fabric today. For the outside I chose some drapery cloth that's maroon with black, floral-patterned chiffon clinging to it and for the inner lining black crushed velvet. It's sexy.. a little gothy. But sexy all the same. The inside is going to have this uber fleece stuff that makes it so the cloak will replace my winter coat, that I hate so very much. Yey! I'm gonna start cutting out the pieces tomorrow. I need to find a good broach thing to put by the neck.. Anyone know of a good place? I'm looking for something kinda fancy.. preferrably not too spendy, but whatever. Something Lord of the Rings-ish. Mom and I are pretty excited about it.

Speaking of mom, we went to a hockey game today, that a bunch of her coworker doctors from the hospital played in. It was really good fun. We brought the taxi horn that dad brought home from India so long ago, and honked it whenever they scored or did some good work. We were the only people in the audience x.x; Mom gets really worked up at sports games, when she wants to, without getting really crazy about it. Which is nice.

I had a good weekend with Dan.. I was feeling a little taken for granted by the end, but meh. Such things happen sometimes. He's been so nice to me lately that I couldn't care less. :)

So Christmas is coming.. and yes, I said Christmas, not shitty "the holidays". Live with it, Christian-hating scum. Seriously.. I wouldn't complain if someone wished me "Happy Quanza." Who gives a shit? Come on.

I found out some disheartening news today. Apparently I'm showing symptoms of diabetes, and it runs in the family. Damnit! I get the shit end of every gene. That doesn't mean I have it, and hopefully the symptoms will be reversed.. but jeez. It scares me. I've had every fricking disease known to man, it feels like. H Pylori, plus all the crap I went through in middle school. Blah. Well. I'll live, if I have it. Medical science today makes it not such a big deal. But it's quite an inconvenience, if I do. If my thirstiness continues for the next week, mom's gonna take me in for a blood test and see what's going on. Man.

So yeah.. I'm done.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In October I stole fredryk's purse (-30 points). In June I put gum in adamthepika's hair (-12 points). In May I pushed beatlehead37 in the mud (-17 points). In January I gave nauta a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). Last Friday I punched gungho_squirrel in the arm (-10 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-74 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking! Sincerely, demented_fennec

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

"I think I'm gonna leave furc. I mean, I'm not really angry about anything, but I'm pretty frusterated as to the lack of consideration that I get.. I mean, I'm sure other people don't get any either, but I'm just ready to drop the subject and move on. Genevieve is obviously dead without Shadow, since now the only person to roleplay with is Jiala's player.. which isn't a bad thing, but it's really confining and makes for a very linear storyline. I've tried introducing countless new characters, trying to find them a niche, but there's no attention in my direction, so I give up. And I'm not talking just the tavern- I'm saying literally everywhere. I've tried other taverns, feral dreams.. I dunno. I've been searching for about a year and a half for a place where I can play my characters in a relaxed way, can't find one, and no one chooses to participate when I make my own. So yeah. I'll probably still hang around the forums, if I'm not removed for this, but don't be surprised if you don't see me around the game anymore.

~Kat."

That was my post on the Tavern and Inn of the Lonely forums just a couple minutes ago. I feel really sad about leaving.. I really liked it there.. but no one else liked me there. So meh. I'll just have to find something else creative in my spare time.. I don't know what yet. I really enjoyed patch and dream making, but it's kind of pointless if no one else wants to appreciate it. So fuck it, I guess.

And then there's Scott. Oh, Scott. I want to kill him. Seriously. I have never known a more two-faced, back-stabbing douchebag in my life. He needs to figure out who his real friends are- and they aren't us anymore. Or at least me. Apparently he randomly IMed my brother last night, calling him a loser and telling him to grow up. Completely unprovoked. What a fucking bastard. He's also talking behind Coocher's back, whom I have decided is one of my closer friends, seeming he's honest and generally a good guy. Seriously. If I hear one more negative comment out of that cunt's mouth, I'm gonna snap.

So I saw Narnia on Friday. It was fuckin' awesome. I mean, obviously not as good as the books, but I can hardly remember the books anyway, so it doesn't matter to me. That was one badass lion. Part of me tells me it was all digital, the other part tells me it was only partly. I don't know whether I should believe what I saw <<;. The fox was adorable. And the centaur at the end was pimptastic.

Does anyone else think that the alpha wolf sounded a lot like Snake from the Metal Gear series? Maybe it's just me...

It's official. I hate Blaine chicks. They're even worse than CRHS chicks. By like a million times. So this bitch that I THOUGHT was my friend at one point in time, about ten mintes ago, called me fat. I think this is Matt's doing, planting rumors in peoples' minds. I'm growing to hate him. I mean, I was okay with him for a while, but this is getting ridiculous.

It's just been an overall shitty day. First hour was fine, but second hour, I almost freaked on McBitch. I was mutering to Pedro about how the back end of my elk in my project doesn't look right, and she was talking to the Drawing II kids. I was muttering! "WHO'S TALKING?! GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES," came her detestable, heliumesque voice. "KATE. STOP TALKING." And I said, "FINE! Go ahead, fucking bitch." The last two words were said quietly, and only Pedro heard and snorted. And she took over ten minutes to finish talking. UGH.

Third hour.. just thinking about it makes me frusterated. There's this deaf girl in my class that INSISTS on being my partner. Every time. I mean, the fact that she's deaf doesn't bug me, but it's fucking impossible to work with her. Not only can she not hear anything I say and require that I spell things out with the uneducated interpreters, but she insists on being better than me, and right in every situation. I'm so tired of her. One of the kids in my class saw my sketchbook in my backpack and asked to see, and while they were oggling my elk picture, she chimes in, "I'm an artist myself, too, you know." Who cares, kid? I've seen your artwork. It was I, in Art Club three years ago, who taught you the meaning of "linear." Seriously. I kinda felt bad at the time, because everyone ignored her when she said that, but now I could have no less sympathy. Yeah, she may be trying to impress me.. frankly, I don't care. She's never gonna read this anyway. She proved herself inconsiderate and just utterly stupid during the rock lab today. She would not follow directions. I had to explain them at least three times through the interpreter to her. She doesn't understand what is granite and what is basalt.. ugh! They look so much different! I just can't drill it into her head. I give up.

Fourth hour I came even closer to freaking out on Evert than I did on McBitch. She's just stupid! I kept telling her, yes, I read the board, I understand, and I didn't see ANYTHING about any damn exercizes. She just continued saying, "Well, you should've read the bored!" I READ THE FUCKING BOARD LADY. Also, I was able to make up three days worth of work in thirty minutes. What the hell? Why do we have to have English? It's all busy grammar work. We should have a test that determines whether we need English 12 or not. It's so gay.

After that, I felt a little better, because I got to talk to Mrs. Sams and made up a test. I only got two wrong, on a subject I thought I knew almost nothing about <<; Crazy. We talked about the dumbasses in our school that were making her life hell, and I made sure she knew that I love her. <3 Mrs. Sams rocks. She's like.. not a spineless pushover. And she's practical too. If she were like eight years younger, we could probably be really good friends.

Dan did end up coming over, though. We cuddled a lot, watched TV, and I tried out his new GTA cheats. It was fun. And I love him all the more.

Well, anyway.. maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope.

I've been so impossibly thirsty lately. I just can't get enough water. Or anything liquid. I think it has to do either with my cold finally leaving, or my god forsaken period. Mom's making me an appointment to see the OBGYN doctor sometime this week, or maybe next, to talk about how weird my flow is. My parents have finally admitted that it's not normal, the pain I go through once a month. So finally something's gonna be done about it. Dad says there are hormone problems on both sides of the family x.x; Great. So I get to look forward to menopause, historectomies and estrogen pills in my later years. No big deal, I guess. Mom's living with it, I can too.

So where's everybody been..? Only Nauta and I seem to be reporting our journals recently. I haven't seen Jodi and Adam forever, and Angie almost just as long. Meh, whatever. I'll just kinda keep writing. So tired. Can't think.

Edit: Whoa, nevermind. Jodi updated like six times in.. like.. ten minutes. Or something. Yay for updating.

I found this in the Coldmoss rant forums, as a reply to someone having trouble with her friends. I think this holds some truth in just about anyone's situation.


"...Kids are just way too fucking mean.
That's really the bottom line..

Teenagers (and people in general, of all ages) are for the most part, so insecure with themselves and their own identity, and so uncomfortable with who they are, and most of us are miserably unhappy to boot.. so we take what satisfaction we can from being 'better' than someone else, even if its just because some kid plays Magic: The Gathering instead of lacrosse. Everyone likes different things and I've always thought that should be celebrated, and I think everyone is guilty of labelling people at some point.

People tend to be very close-minded when it comes to their interests and THEIR preferences.. like some kid who loves Dungeons and Dragons may be totally unwilling to try soccer. Some die-hard hockey fan may pass on Pictionary because their interests have become so one-track that they don't even have the capacity to try things outside their comfort zone. I know this is like one massive ramble.. but for reals, I know where you're coming from. No one should be made to feel inferior to anyone else because no one IS inferior to anyone else. It's a simple concept but unfortunately you have a bunch of assholes out there who feel the need to rag on someone because they happen to enjoy spending time on the computer.

It's all about self-preservation.. people will do anything if it will give them the tiniest bit of 'street cred.'"

Put it in perspective.

Woo. The trip went really well. Except, before I left, I couldn't find Dan's digital camera and I was really sick the whole time. Today I found Dan's camera in art class, thank god, and I went home during lunch because I feel shitty. So tomorrow, if I stay home and Tiff does too, she's gonna come over in the morning and we're gonna make a party out of it. She'll bring over Sims for PS2, and we'll continue on with our lesbian family.

Yay for hunting! I finally found my oneness again. Which sounds weird. But it's been so long since I've just sat outside and enjoyed nature, living in the polluted suburbs like I do.
In generally chronological order:

Friday
We arrived at the farm we were staying at around two thirty or so. We put our stuff up in the rooms. The father's a traditional farmer and the mom is an X-Ray Tech seventy miles away, and the daughter is twenty three or so and going to school to become a nurse. The dad is less than helpful, since in his mind, the women should be doing the chores while he does the heavy lifting and more "manly" work. Which kinda bugged me, but the influence was never cast my direction, so I was okay. Bottom line, the house wasn't clean. The daughter and mom were far too busy to clean the house all the time, so there was a lot of bugs and stuff everywhere. Not live, but dead. This was also due to the fact that the farm was wood-heated, by a furnace in the basement that wood was tossed into. So the trees were cut from their land, therefore bring bugs into the house- also, they're beef farmers, so there were also quite a few flies around. Not outside, because it was dead cold, but inside. There was like a pile of dead flies on my bedside table.. ish. But no big deal, I survived. Anyway.

Enough of that. So we put on three layers or so and went out to the hunting site. It was in the middle of a corn field, which had all been cut except a strip towards the woods behind it. Right when we got there, we saw a couple. Long story short, Dad shot and missed. So we set up in the corn. After that, I don't believe we really saw anything else, but that was enough to promise a successful hunt in the near future. What was funny though, is I got cold early and went back to the car to sit. While I was there, I could see a deer coming up from behind where dad was sitting, but I couldn't really let him know without scaring it off. So that deer faded into the woods, then emerged later, and was staring at my dad as he made his way across the field back to the car. Dad didn't even notice! I got a good giggle.

Saturday
Saturday, I woke up at 5:30 am or so to my dad tapping on my door. We immediatly got dressed, had breakfast as quietly as we could, then went back out to the field. This time, we passed by the field and set up in the woods, so if they were to come out of the woods around us we'd see them almost immediatly. We heard a lot of movement and once heard a grunt call nearby, but never saw them. That could be because the wind was blowing our scent into the woods, away from the corn and right to the deer. So I went back up to the car after getting too cold, then dad soon followed, leaving everything but the gun at the site. He was cold too, so we took a drive around, looking around for deer. We never saw any, but went wandering around in the van for a while, finally stopping at the field again and reassuming our positions. It didn't seem like anything had moved. Another hour later and I was cold again, so Dad and I packed it up and went back to the car. It was about eleven thirty, and we had decided that the deer would probably come out around one or two o'clock. So dad made lunch for everyone, the family who was hosting us was butchering a calf that died because it bled too much after castration or something. Sad. But oh well. So we had sandwiches, then an hour later or so we went back out.

This was exciting. We were carrying all our heavy stuff out to the site again, we were going to try staking out in a more convenient part of the corn this time. But just as we got over a hill in the field, Dad hissed, "Deer!" And we immediatly got down low. He got out his gun, aimed at what looked to be a small doe.. then decided it was too small. She looked like she had been born just earlier this year. Though she had lost her spots and red fur, she was still just a fawn. So we got up again, and started walking, whether it scared her or not.. though we would rather she stay, as a decoy to other deer. As we walked, she spotted us, and started walking towards us. We stopped and put our stuff down slowly. She started trotting, then walked again, then stopped and just looked at us. She turned and went a ways away, then turned around again, and started bounding towards us, swinging her hips and doing this kind of wiggle dance. She looked like she wanted to play! It was so adorable. She came about thirty feet from us on that occassion.. so cute. Then, she went a ways off again, up onto a small hill by the woods, looking over to her left at the woods. Dad decided there must be a bigger deer in there, that was sort of telling the fawn to run. Or that the fawn was watching or something. Whatever the case, there was a bigger deer, but she soon disappeared into the trees, as did the teenaged doe.

So after that, we set up again, this time in the field strip near the woods. We settled down, and no more than a half hour later, a deer appeared out of the thin trees to the northwest. It came closer, and as dad watched with his binoculars, he came to the conclusion that it was the same fawn that we saw before. She was back, and hungry, too. She came right up to us. She stared at me for a little while, then my dad, decided she didn't care what we smelled like, then started munching on the unharvested corn around us. Amazing- she was less than thirty feet at that point. I'll say now, that there is absolutely NOTHING, no ride in the history of man, that could ever give me the exhilerating adrenaline high that I got from being so close to such a large and beautiful wild animal. Stupid, but beautiful nonetheless. So, for an hour, we watched this fawn start eating at the end by the trees, then zig-zag her way up the strip, circling around us, then started again behind us and disappearing over the hill. So there we sat, for several hours that only seemed like mere minutes. More west to where the fawn came out, both Dad and I saw a doe come out at the exact same time. She stood there on a small hill, then bounded out into the field, to our surprise, bringing three younger fawns or yearlings with her. She wasn't momma, because she looked too small, but she was probably the one the fawns congregated around. Soon, another doe fawn joined them, then a forkhorn buck, which was probably a yearling. He was small though.

They came closer and closer, so this time, Dad decided it was time to hunt. It's black powder season right now, so he has this black powder muzzle loader thing that's kinda difficult to figure out. He shot once at the larger doe, but only the cap broke, and the powder didn't ignite. The deer were startled by the sound, and went into a fit of "Duhr!", running around in circles as dad reloaded. Soon he was ready again, and the deer continued to mill around but had slowed, then a minute later stopped and started at the corn strip again. They hadn't moved far at all. Dad was slightly panicked, so he picked out the first deer he saw, which was the young buck, and shot again. Another cap blew up, but again, no bullet. He determined that the powder was wet, and it needed to be changed. Again, the deer were stupid and ran in circles. They soon stopped again, but this time the older female had made her way to the hill some distance away. Most of the younger ones followed her, and they all ran off. We could see them at a distance in the field, but that was no way to make a shot. There was one small doe, though, that stayed behind and just started at us. Dad had refilled the powder, and she was the only one left. For a while we just stared at her. He didn't know whether to shoot or not, because she was so small, and he didn't want to kill a fawn that could grow bigger for next year. She was really cute, too. But ruthless nature really doesn't care if something's cute, anyway. He decided then to shoot, because he might not get another chance, and she looked more like a yearling than a fawn. So he did shoot, and this time, the bullet fired. The fawn dropped immediatly, a swift and clean kill. Slightly disturbing though, because animals don't think they die once they're dead.. they kind of twitch and stuff, which made me sad, but I knew that it wasn't in any pain. So I was okay.

So dad and I went back up to the car, and I got in, while he grabbed his knife and went to field dress the deer.. which means gutting it. Ick. I didn't want to see that. So an hour later he comes back, and it's about four or something. We had a little problem. Dad hadn't really thought ahead, and we didn't have enough rope to tie the animal onto the top of the car. So.. he tied the rope around its neck and attached it to the trailer hitch, and, since the road was icy and snowy and it was less than a quarter mile back to the farm, we dragged it back. Terry, Dad's friend, met us halfway on his way out to his stand, and he got a kick out of seeing it.

Around seven o'clock, the family had finished butchering the calf, then Dad and donald skinned the deer and stuff, and after it was nice and near-frozen, brought it back inside to cut up with the meat saw and grind some into hamburger and sausage. We all stayed up until 1 am or so, just talking and stuff. A productive day for just about everyone. I even learned how to help birth sheep! Oh yeah, Terry had also shot a coyote that day, that was in the cow pen. Eek.

Sunday
Sunday we woke up around 9 am, since the deer didn't seem to come out very early anyway. When I got up, Dad was already out with Donald and Terry cutting wood. So, I had a breakfast bar thing, then got my coat, snow pants and boots on and went outside to sit on the stairs. I had kind of made friends with a farm cat earlier in the weekend, a sweet little white and orange tabby kitten that lived outside. She was so cute.. I miss her so much. But yeah, Sunday, as I sat on the steps, the kitty hopped up on my lap and started playing with my kleenexes. An hour later, she got bored, and curled up on my lap to be stroked. Soon the company returned, without my dad. They said he was hunting, and that he had seen a deer and was going to try his luck. So I ran inside, got my get-up on and ran off to the pasture I had to cross to get into the woods where they had been. I arrived at the gate to realized dad was already coming back. He said that he had shot, and there was a small amount of blood in the snow, but she had ran off, healthy as could be. So the three guys left again, to see if they could find the injured doe. They were gone for hours. That whole time, I sat on the steps with little Shauna purring away on my lap. I did a lot of bird watching then- I saw a piliated woodpecker, which was awesome. Those things are huge.. and I think they were once thought to be extinct, too, so I was pretty stoked to see one. I watched the gang warfare between the chickadees and pigeons, chickadees inevitably winning because pigeons are dumbasses. I also saw a strange black and white bird that no one else seemed to be able to identify by description. I realized that cows can make some really weird noises.. I mistook one for a car alarm at one point. Weird.

Well, soon they returned, with no luck. The doe had laid down again, and cast no blood, and ran from them at a healthy speed and gait when they approached. So dad only grazed her, and no harm was done. Yay! The rest of the day was just kinda relaxation.. we went inside, talked for a while, packed up our stuff, jumped the car battery and we were out of there. I arrived home last night around like.. I dunno, seven or so. Immediatly I called Dan, whom I missed a great deal. I hung out with mom for a few minutes, who was baking, gave her a kiss and Dan picked me up to go to Lindee's for coffee. We then went back to his house, rested for a while, then seperated into different rooms. He woke me up this morning, cuddled me for a while, then we got up and got ready for school.

And such was my weekend. I hope you all enjoyed yours as much as I did.

Oh yeah, about the elk farm. Apparently, earlier this year, it was struck by mad cow! So the person who bought the elk had to slaughter all their farm animals, then the farm itself had to kill all its elk and shut the facility down. :( Too bad. Oh well though. No biggie.---

Yeah, so that's a name decoder thing I found in Nauta's friends list. I love it. So here I sit.. I've been sick for about two weeks straight, a mere two days in between when I felt well. Yep, sick for my birthday. No big deal though, nothing exciting happened. I get to get out of school early this week! Dad's taking me deer hunting, near an elk farm! OMG I'm so excited. For those of you that didn't know, I love elk. Almost as much as I love kitties and wolves. Graceful and huge. Just awesome. I won't be doing any hunting, as I don't have a gun permit or a hunting license.

I finally made a feral dream- Sqwerl, it has purty horses :) Though I'm not sure they're the ones you were referring to. It's The Secret Garden, in the Imaginarium. It won't be up when I'm not around, but you probably knew that already.

A lot of art's been going on. I finished a picture of a wolf snarling, with blood all over its maw. Pretty crazy. Now I'm working on two projects, a picture of a charging elk and Mrs. Sams offered to pay me to draw her son. I'm almost done with her son's picture, but only the elk's mane is finished. Mrf.

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY.

Yeah, feeling random tonight.
So I'm gonna cuddle up and get all sleepy. Goodnight everybody.

So the party went okay. First Tiffany showed up, then my dad came home and we revealed the cake. Around 6 or so, Dan came over with sloppy joe stuff. We set everything up and sat around for a while, then Melodie showed up. We hung out some more, then found out Melodie had to leave after a little bit, so we decided to open presents. From my grandparents, who had left a gift before deer hunting, I got a less-than-helpful book on animal drawing and an amazing human anatomy atlas. Really cool. Then from Melodie I got a dragon incense-holder thing, where you stick the sticks down its nose, lotus and jasmine incense :3. From Tiffany I recieved a PS2 memory card!!! WAHOO! (Ours was lost some months ago...) Then from Dan I got a remote for my TV (to which I had formerly not had cable), a box of gel raspberry scented candles, a foamy mouse pad, and (from both my brother Pat and Dan) I got GTA: San Andreas. My dad had various surprises. The wrapped gifts included a phone jack thing (which I was quite confused about) a MASSIVE Sam's Club box of Almond Joy and I earlier figured out he had also gotten me cable TV. Apparently that day while I was at school, he had rigged up cable to my TV and had installed a phone thing behind my computer desk, to which the phone jack went to. And last year, for Christmas, I had gotten a really neat cordless phone that I wasn't able to use for lack of a jack. Now it's all set up- It has caller ID and its ring is a Green Day song, which caught me by surprise when my mom called home from work xD. So after presents were opened and set up, Melodie went home. Soon after she left, Guy arrived, and we had cake and ice cream.. with a really disappointing birthday song. But whatever, doesn't matter. Then we went downstairs again and hung out.. soon Guy left, and we decided to play some DDR after we digested some. So we broke out DDR extreme and the four of us (including Patrick) busted some clumsy moves on our dancepad. While we did this, Angie showed up, with a purty black Cherokee necklace for me :). Then she joined into the DDR, and we had good fun. Then Angie had to leave, and Coocher and Sable showed up. Ugh. Sable. But it was cool anyway. They got me a glittery puzzle. They didn't even realize it, but coincidentally it was a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream, of Oberon and Titania. We giggled some at this, then Cooch started playing Tenchu with Pat, while the most of us watched some Fred Phox. Soon those two left, leaving Tiffany, Dan, Pat and I to do our thing. Around 1:30 am mom got home, then I was allowed to open my final and largest present. A flatscreen monitor! W00T! So we set that up too, and I've got happy clear and pretty pictures on my monitor. Though not many people made it, it was still a good time, and I shall enjoy turning 18 tomorrow afternoon. Now I've gotta run and help mom make shrimp dinner, so I'll talk to you all later.

So my eighteenth birthday is on Sunday.. but my party's tomorrow.. btw Jodi and Adam, I never managed to get hold of you guys after we got the date figured out- you're both invited if you read this in time and can make it. ><; Sorry. Anyways. This whole thing is turning out to be far more stressful than I expected it to be. I've decided that I HATE deer hunting season. It has nothing to do with morality or animal rights. Psh. It has to do with it causing a lot of drama between family members, that really doesn't need to be there. Funny thing is- I didn't even start any of it! Four days ago we decided the party would be Friday, not Saturday, because my dad needed to be deer hunting. He felt a little bad for having to change the date, but it wasn't a big deal. Well, now it kinda is.. apparently nobody can cover for my mom at work on Friday. Dad called me upstairs to talk, and my mom was sobbing because she can't make it to my birthday party that she worked so hard to make wonderful for me. I comforted her by basically saying that only two or three people would consistently be there, those people being Dan, Tiffany and Guy (possibly Guy, don't really know). She felt better knowing that a lot of people wouldn't be there, and I said further that we probably wouldn't be going to bed until around two in the morning or something, and she gets home around twelve or so. So that shouldn't be a huge issue, and I promised to save some presents to open for when she gets home. But it still makes me a little sad that my mom won't be able to make it to my birthday party, for the first time ever. And I don't even want to think about how my dad's feeling. Jeez. He looked like he was going to cry earlier- he blames himself for making me change the date. Well, I guess it is technically his doing, but I don't blame him. Deer season only comes once a year.. though eighteenth birthday only comes once a lifetime.. but meh. Whatever. I'm just feeling increasingly more depressed about the situation. I feel really bad for both my parents.. it was possible for them to switch the party to Saturday, which would be good for everyone but dad (though I think at this point he doesn't care), but Dan and I have already told everyone that it will be Friday. There will be people in and out pretty much all day, and some of those people I have a hard time getting hold of.. so that wasn't really an option. I feel sad to cause my parents such stress...

Why is it that whenever I have a good day, everyone else seems to have a bad day? A friend of a friend kills himself, a friend gets arrested for posession.. so a lot of my other friends are affected by this, and come to me for consolation. Which isn't a bad thing, I don't mind being a cane for someone in a period of time they can't walk.. but it's quite a downer. So now I'm feeling pretty depressed.. and there's really nothing anyone can do about it <<; Meh. Oh well, I guess...

Sorry about the mental breakdown on Thursday x.x; I took Friday off to recover.. I was very, very stressed out. I still am, but I'm not freaking out anymore. This is depressing.. it's only the end of first quarter, and I'm already stressed to the limit. I'm so tired and weary all the time, and the fact that I can't put up with two thirds of the people in my school doesn't make it any better. Whatever.

I learned xhtml and CSS this weekend. :D I put together a homepage and a secondary page, and I'm experimenting with links and pictures that are links.. stuff like that. Crazy.

I have such a headache. But I really need to get on homework. -dies- x.x

I took yet another hit to the already rock-bottom self esteem a couple minutse ago.. I was trying to go to bed, and my mom came rushing downstairs literally shrieking that I hadn't done my share of chores today. She waits until twelve fourty five to remind me! What the fuck. I was restless, and wasn't ready to go to bed, and when I was finally tired enough, she makes me stay up another hour to get the fucking laundry done. No, it can't wait for tomorrow. Damn me for making a fucking mistake.

Yeah, so I'm also not very welcome in my house anymore. And they wonder why, when I'm not somewhere else, I'm always holed up in my room. Last week Anna actually said that she doesn't want me around anymore. I also get a sneaking suspicion that my family feels the same way. They love me because they have to, but will be secretly relieved when I finally leave the house. I know my sister will say, "I'm glad Katie's gone, mom. She's mean to us." Dan asked me why her opinion matters to me.. because she's my fucking sister. What if I had a crisis, and was suddenly homeless, and my family didn't want me back? Assuming something happened between Dan and I, leaving me homeless.. God. I don't know where the hell I'm going with this, but I'm so hurt by that statement that I think I just might leave of my own accord, before they can kick me out. Dan's parents would make me pay to stay with them, and I'm positive that Angie's family wouldn't exactly approve of housing a troubled teen. Even worse, my leaving would make my parents assume that I wanted nothing to do with my family anymore, and that I was separating myself. My mom said so, one night when she was yelling at me.. So which is it? Continue to be a thorn in everyone's side, or leave and never speak to my family again? Either way, at the end of it, I see suicide, so I guess it doesn't matter so much.

You know.. I thought that things would get better for me when I started improving my grades. Nope.. not one bit. In fact, I've started feeling worse about myself since. I'm actually doing my homework. Which stresses me out beyond belief. Then there's my parents not appreciating my efforts, taking absolutely no interest or initiative within my life, and then ADDING to my load a ridiculous amount of chores. And they're not helping with my situation after high school.. they're giving me no guidance whatsoever. I'm relying on Mrs. Bjornlie and Mr. Kennedy at school to help me through it. I joined a stress release and abuse recovery group at school, without my parents' knowledge.. I guess I'd rather they not know. It's not like they'd care anyway.

The only real love I get anymore is from Dan.. those feelings are the only ones worth living for at this point. Everything else hurts and rejects. I try to be around him as much as possible.. it makes me feel so much better about everything. If only for a short time. I had a dream last night.. an awful dream. Another of those vision things. I had just talked to Dan online about coming over to his house, and I arrived, greeting his parents at the door. I walked downstairs to find the lights off, so in his little game room thing I flipped the lights on to find him lying face down on the floor, one of his many swords sticking through his middle, blood literally everywhere. I walked over to him and fell to my knees, and touched his face.. I said his name, and, naturally, there was no reply from him. So I crawled up the stairs, in complete shock.. I didn't even say anything to his parents, who were giving me funny looks, asking if I was okay. I picked up the phone and dialed 911.. I could hardly talk to the person on the other end, and I can't remember what I said. Next and last thing I remember hearing was a wail from his mom, coming from downstairs, and the last thing I thought was that it was all over.. anything that meant anything to me was gone, except for fragments stuck in my friends and acquaintances at school. Angie, Brandon, Pedro, Coocher.. but it just didn't matter to me anymore.

So the dreams keep happenning.. there was another, equally terrible, but I can't remember it.. thank God. Well.. I've cried my bucket.. time to switch over the God damn laundry.